2016 was, without a doubt, a strange year for everyone and in many ways. According to the Chinese, it's the year of the Fire Monkey. Imagine an agitated monkey, messing around and having fun with the turmoil. In short, a year of change (think of a phoenix, which dies in the form of fire and rises from the ashes – we have Fire until 2018, a period of many changes, wildness, conflicts, closures).
2016 was, for me, a year of radical changes. Until March, I was sinking more and more into anorexia nervosa, having psychotic outbreaks, hiding like a pet cat under the bed. Earlier in the year, I was desperate and out of control. I tried to kill myself in front of my mom because she refused to take me to the doctor. I almost got hit twice trying to go to the doctor alone. I was paranoid, quite believing that my family wanted to see me destroyed and dead.
But things have changed. Since March, my life has turned upside down and finally the pieces have begun to fall into place. Here are some of my achievements:
1. I went to the hospital and was finally diagnosed with anorexia nervosa
I count this as an achievement because it was a long and time-consuming process. My family refused to offer me help for many years, refusing to take me to the hospital despite weight loss and refusal to eat. They found excuses and said that I was "naturally skinny" or that I was being dramatic. With this, I weighed 38 kg, even being a 165cm tall adult woman coming from a large family of people of average weight. Finally having the diagnosis meant that I had survived the struggle that was to ask for help and be constantly neglected. I knew I was sick and I didn't give up until I got the help that I needed.
2. I began my recovery from anorexia nervosa
I was finally referred to the Holy House of Mercy's treatment center, where I began seeing a team every week. I see a psychiatrist and an endocrinologist once a month, and a therapist and a dietitian every week. With that, I began to learn about my illness and learned that it was necessary to be honest and trust my team. I was able to talk about the sexual abuse during my teenage years and be honest about how my relationship with my mom influenced my disorder. I had to get out of the cocoon of paranoia (and honestly I only managed to do that because I was already on antipsychotics) and the fear of being attacked. In addition to that, through my anorexia recovery, I also found out that I have bipolar disorder.
3. I began my university study
I am a former high school drop-out. Actually, I dropped out of high school four times in six years. I had panic attacks every single day, when I went to school. At times I even pissed my pants when walking in. I couldn't stop crying, and I couldn't breathe. The reason is because I was abused by a classmate in 2009, when I was 15 years-old. I was a straight-A student, but after years of bullying and threats, that was the final drop for me. Every time I went back to school, I would be overwhelmed by fear and the memories were too heavy to endure. Because of that, I never thought I could graduate. I never thought I'd go to university, but I did. Through my own effort and despite all the odds, I went to university.
4. I dropped out of university
However, there came a time when I began to question my goals and what I wanted out of my life. Did I really want to be inside the educational system that destroyed me? Did I really want to be a part of it? Was it healthy for me? Would I be able to bear it? The answer was clearer and clearer... and I had to reconsider. In addition to that, my recovery from anorexia nervosa was becoming increasingly draining and the effects of the meds were so hard to handle that I couldn't focus on my study at all. Dropping out of university was probably the most sensible choice I made this year. Putting my mental health above my studies and admitting that I was going through a process of change was extremely difficult, but I believe it was the right thing to do and I am proud of myself for being able to deal with the consequences.
5. I got back to talking to my sister
One of the things that changed when I was diagnosed with anorexia was my relationship with my family. It wasn't an immediate change, it took time, but it happened. While my relation with my mother is still far from ideal, and despite my family often making comments that don't help me at all, our relationship has certainly improved a lot. I used to resent my sister, for many, many years, because she was "the perfect child". She graduated from high school, she went to university, she's not a lesbian like me, she did not get involved in problems in school, didn't attempt suicide. She did everything right and I did everything wrong. I thought she hated me and I hated her. But this year, with my diagnosis and my aunt's passing, we slowly began to rediscover each other's company, making the best of hard times.
6. I actually made phone calls
Phone calls scare the shit out of me. I used to panic every time I tried to make a phone call, even if I had to call my parents. My family made a lot of harmful comments about it, which only made it worse. But after I began my treatment and taking my meds, I managed to keep things under control and actually called my university twice and I'm proud of that.
7. I began interacting more and isolating less
For more than six years, I was increasingly isolated. Although from times to times I had my activities as a musician, that forced me to interact with band mates and others, generally I was constantly alone in my private world and avoided talking to anyone. I couldn't trust people and all my friendships ended either because I was too aggressive when manic or too miserable when depressed. People couldn't bear me, and I couldn't trust anyone. I have been living in a world of my own for so long, that I find it difficult to interact with anyone. But this year, with therapy and meds, I began taking baby steps towards change. I tried to talk to the other girls at the hospital more than once, talked to strangers on the bus, made new friends on the Internet. I'm trying to talk to people and stop hiding, stop believing that no one could care for me. There will always be someone to talk to, someone who cares.
2016 was a difficult year in many ways, but overall, I made progress in areas of my life that were on standby for many years. This makes me happy, because it makes me think that I finally came back to live, I'm back moving towards the future. This makes me happy because it made me see that the limitations that I believed to have actually do not exist. And it is in this spirit that I want to get to 2017, remembering that nothing that hurts is permanent.
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